I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize