I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
