filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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