and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
