Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
