Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
