I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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