if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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