The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
So here I am, sexting at work.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
