New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
