Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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