I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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