Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
