Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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