I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
