Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
