Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
