just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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