Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize