btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
