the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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