remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
