Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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