My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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