It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
