On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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