new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
