I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
