His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
