from now on my penis is your penis
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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