my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
