From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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