Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
