So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
