wakey wakey hands off snakey
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
