Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
