i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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