So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
