this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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