Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
