I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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