I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
