I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
