im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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