i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
