John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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