So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
