we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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