i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
