you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
