I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
