i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
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