OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
