If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
