so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
