My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
