Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
