Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
There r osticjed everywhere
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
