This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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