3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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