why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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