Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
So. Much. Porn.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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