please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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